September

I'm in that middle place. You know, that in-between, searching, not quite "in-it" place. I know that as a counselor and a yoga teacher I should be very zen-like and love that place. But I don't. It's not that I don't love the "journey" of things, or the adventure in discovering new terrains- both the interior and the exterior ones. It's that middle place where you're trying to figure out where you've just come from, and you don't at all have a clear vision of what you'd like to bring forth into being. It's just you, life, routine, and all the other stuff just waiting at a slow simmer. I don't like living in the moment when the moment is just, well, BLAH!

I like to describe myself as a free-flowing planner. (Just wait, the two DO co-exist, I am living proof!) I like structure and organization- I love planning details and get very excited about how wonderful my 'to the minute' planned Saturday is going to be. But I also must have the freedom to change all plans on a whim and do nothing or something I hadn't thought of on a moments notice. Or if something doesn't go according to plan I can re-adjust without much stress, as long as we move onto, or create a plan B (Hense the free-flowingish part of me!) So this middle place is really challenging my comfort zone.

So now what's a girl to do?

No plan. No flow even.

Also, I find that I am at this interesting place in life, feeling a little bit alone. I am no longer the "single-girl".... I'm happily married and spend a lot of time with my best friend/husband. But I'm really a relational person so I NEED girlfriends and tons of coffee dates to be happy. I am also not quite yet the "happily married couple about to start a family" where I feel fulfilled by settling down and creating a strong foundation for my children, or hopes of children soon to come. So I am surrounded by my wonderful single and "breeder" friends, with no one else to relate to where I'm at right now.......which is actually a very lucky place of marriage and with a good job and a good dog and plenty of sunshine and my cup of chamomile tea, starting now to cool...

So why do I need this plan, or even some flow? I always want to shake things up and see (plan) where all the pieces fall and find delight in those unexpected pieces as well.

I am beginning to think it's hard being a somewhat complex woman sometimes (are there even women who aren't complex?) I have so much desire and passion but its not being expressed and feels a little stagnant. Do other women feel that sense of isolation and suppression of passion while simultaneously feeling very grateful and full in life? I wonder what struggles my single/dating friends encounter and what depths my motherly friends explore? It is my hope that we as a community of women will converge with our words and creations to bring back a sense of connectedness, despite our individual timing and experience of this life.

So that middle place, not so comfortable but I hope it will refine the rough edges once again and bring to light something new. Fall is coming now. It's in the Colorado air. It's in the down comforter I put back on the bed. It's starting to emerge in leaves and trees, color dotting the landscape. This will be my hope as I wait for my own colors to come.

But for now, a picture of humor to focus on in this time, because really what else is there to keep us going through the blurry times!?

This is the fattest monkey in Cambodia!

Lets try again

Leave it to me to make one post in September and another in June! That's pretty much my history with keeping a journal as well! Well now I have motivation to share more frequently- my travels, my experiences, my photographs. Brent and I have a blog, but since he does most of the posting I thought I'd create my own space to process and share. In one week we leave for a six week trip full of friendship, road trip delights, long airplane rides, and beautiful SE Asia. This is just for my friends to read, to know what is new in my heart and life this summer. Thanks for reading!

one

Here I am:

sitting in bed, drinking sanpellegrino, listing to the presidential debates, and spending my time online.  

For whatever reason, I feel this urge to begin sharing my thoughts, my journey, my desire.

What is this urge? This urge to be known and understood and heard.  There is a part of me who is against sharing my private thoughts with the internet- and yet the other part wants to give in to this vast audience. 

It is my egocentricity and insecurity at once which allow me to begin writing here.