September

I'm in that middle place. You know, that in-between, searching, not quite "in-it" place. I know that as a counselor and a yoga teacher I should be very zen-like and love that place. But I don't. It's not that I don't love the "journey" of things, or the adventure in discovering new terrains- both the interior and the exterior ones. It's that middle place where you're trying to figure out where you've just come from, and you don't at all have a clear vision of what you'd like to bring forth into being. It's just you, life, routine, and all the other stuff just waiting at a slow simmer. I don't like living in the moment when the moment is just, well, BLAH!

I like to describe myself as a free-flowing planner. (Just wait, the two DO co-exist, I am living proof!) I like structure and organization- I love planning details and get very excited about how wonderful my 'to the minute' planned Saturday is going to be. But I also must have the freedom to change all plans on a whim and do nothing or something I hadn't thought of on a moments notice. Or if something doesn't go according to plan I can re-adjust without much stress, as long as we move onto, or create a plan B (Hense the free-flowingish part of me!) So this middle place is really challenging my comfort zone.

So now what's a girl to do?

No plan. No flow even.

Also, I find that I am at this interesting place in life, feeling a little bit alone. I am no longer the "single-girl".... I'm happily married and spend a lot of time with my best friend/husband. But I'm really a relational person so I NEED girlfriends and tons of coffee dates to be happy. I am also not quite yet the "happily married couple about to start a family" where I feel fulfilled by settling down and creating a strong foundation for my children, or hopes of children soon to come. So I am surrounded by my wonderful single and "breeder" friends, with no one else to relate to where I'm at right now.......which is actually a very lucky place of marriage and with a good job and a good dog and plenty of sunshine and my cup of chamomile tea, starting now to cool...

So why do I need this plan, or even some flow? I always want to shake things up and see (plan) where all the pieces fall and find delight in those unexpected pieces as well.

I am beginning to think it's hard being a somewhat complex woman sometimes (are there even women who aren't complex?) I have so much desire and passion but its not being expressed and feels a little stagnant. Do other women feel that sense of isolation and suppression of passion while simultaneously feeling very grateful and full in life? I wonder what struggles my single/dating friends encounter and what depths my motherly friends explore? It is my hope that we as a community of women will converge with our words and creations to bring back a sense of connectedness, despite our individual timing and experience of this life.

So that middle place, not so comfortable but I hope it will refine the rough edges once again and bring to light something new. Fall is coming now. It's in the Colorado air. It's in the down comforter I put back on the bed. It's starting to emerge in leaves and trees, color dotting the landscape. This will be my hope as I wait for my own colors to come.

But for now, a picture of humor to focus on in this time, because really what else is there to keep us going through the blurry times!?

This is the fattest monkey in Cambodia!